The spaces between here and there

The past few months I wil say have been the hardest I have ever had to endure. Everyone around me only see's my smile, but no one see's that everyday my heart slowly dies. I am so tired of trying. Right now I am doing me but Damn it be nice to have someone to share it with.....share it with............

She has no idea...

She has no idea that she is about to lose to me, I am tired of having plans with her and then it takes her 4 hours after the fact to apologize and cancel. A part of me wants to just tell her to go back her ex who didnt treat her right, maybe then she will realize what she had. The part that sucks is that when we are together its like the only thing that matters in this world is her and i. I dont want it to end.................

Never ever ever again!!!!!

I put my heart out there and got burned, what the hell was I thinking that I found a good gal. Worked out twice already and I cant seem to shake off the feelings or hurt, sadness, disappointment. I am starting to wonder if some people are just meant to live a life of singleness. So I just went down to the gas station and bought a pack of newports, funny thing is i will smoke a few and then throw the pack out...lol My model friend brenda told me she was happy for me when i found her, but that she has a bad feeling about this gal, i am glad that i have someone who is so connected with me like that. On other news, I had violin practice today and it was awesome, I almost have this piece perfected. I get to perform it next month in front of a audience...(Unchained Melody).

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Finaly met a gal worth my time, i swear when she is not around, I start to lose my mind thinking of her, I have not felt like this in years. I am beginning to fall for this gal. I am glad only a few of you know of my blog site, I feel like a damn lil girl right now...ok ciao

Sigh

Today is a wierd day.....I have to say that writting in a blog has been the best outlit for me since I have came to  seattle. Some people critize me for what i write about and how i can be negative at times, but hey this a blog and it is to vent what ever comes to mind. The funny thing is, you meet me in person and you read this blog and say is this the same person. It is wierd only having a handful of friends here, where back in florida or cali in one year i made tons of friends and networks.  It makes me sad that people are so antisocial and cliq'ish up here. The date scene up here is not any better, women complaining they cant find a good man, men complaining that women  are gold diggers, etc. Its madness i tell you. One thing that really gets me is that here in the northwest it is like a crime to have a friend of the opposite sex, where florida its the most common thing. Anyways, i just kinda started using this online dating thing, i feel like a fool for even going that route, but we will see what happens. I will leave this last statement/comment i went out three different night, one just wearing jeans and tshirt and no one talked to me or would give me the time of day. The next day same scene and cloths and i put a hat on, people would actually talk for a few seconds and sometimes smile at me. The third night i go out same scene, same cloths but this time i wore a hat and glasses.....I managed to actually grab a few numbers...wierd huh??!!!!!! In the end I call a day or two later and they dont answer or return calls back...WIERD

Hold me

It was late when I came back home, she was standing at the sink washing dishes, I know she had been in the hospital, she seemed so fragile in her scrubs an little pink and yellow pastel beanie. I cracked a joke and told her that she forgot to ask my permission before she had went to the hospital. Her eyes began to swell up and rain began to fall.

At this point my heart melted, I drew her closer and wrapped her in my arms. I don't remember how long we stood in the kitchen, I am not even sure If i began to cry, but I felt like did. I realized how fragile life was again, I realized my friend will one day not be here, so young, so innocent, why do I my friends keeping passing away.

The other day my ex contacted me also with bad news, and she said something that helped, its not about me, but God has been bringing people in my life for a reason and I am just going to have to trust him! This past week has been very hard, i keep wanting to break down in class, driving, with friends, its crazy.

If there was one song that describes how I feel and am it would be: Rich Mullins - Hold me jesus

Learning Compassion a little everyday!

I feel lost at times, but I have found a medium in my life. I am no longer angry, I am relearning to that man that once was filled with so much love, love for people, love for life, the man that would puzzle those I came in contact with..they never understood why I was so cherry, so optimistic. All the pain and hurt I have seen in this world began to make me hard and cold. Everyday my heart grows softer. At times my words don't come out right, but I am working on it. I am finding hope a little more everyday, I am learning to trust a little more everyday, I am learning to be me a little more everyday!