The spaces between here and there

The past few months I wil say have been the hardest I have ever had to endure. Everyone around me only see's my smile, but no one see's that everyday my heart slowly dies. I am so tired of trying. Right now I am doing me but Damn it be nice to have someone to share it with.....share it with............

She has no idea...

She has no idea that she is about to lose to me, I am tired of having plans with her and then it takes her 4 hours after the fact to apologize and cancel. A part of me wants to just tell her to go back her ex who didnt treat her right, maybe then she will realize what she had. The part that sucks is that when we are together its like the only thing that matters in this world is her and i. I dont want it to end.................

Never ever ever again!!!!!

I put my heart out there and got burned, what the hell was I thinking that I found a good gal. Worked out twice already and I cant seem to shake off the feelings or hurt, sadness, disappointment. I am starting to wonder if some people are just meant to live a life of singleness. So I just went down to the gas station and bought a pack of newports, funny thing is i will smoke a few and then throw the pack out...lol My model friend brenda told me she was happy for me when i found her, but that she has a bad feeling about this gal, i am glad that i have someone who is so connected with me like that. On other news, I had violin practice today and it was awesome, I almost have this piece perfected. I get to perform it next month in front of a audience...(Unchained Melody).

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Finaly met a gal worth my time, i swear when she is not around, I start to lose my mind thinking of her, I have not felt like this in years. I am beginning to fall for this gal. I am glad only a few of you know of my blog site, I feel like a damn lil girl right now...ok ciao

Sigh

Today is a wierd day.....I have to say that writting in a blog has been the best outlit for me since I have came to  seattle. Some people critize me for what i write about and how i can be negative at times, but hey this a blog and it is to vent what ever comes to mind. The funny thing is, you meet me in person and you read this blog and say is this the same person. It is wierd only having a handful of friends here, where back in florida or cali in one year i made tons of friends and networks.  It makes me sad that people are so antisocial and cliq'ish up here. The date scene up here is not any better, women complaining they cant find a good man, men complaining that women  are gold diggers, etc. Its madness i tell you. One thing that really gets me is that here in the northwest it is like a crime to have a friend of the opposite sex, where florida its the most common thing. Anyways, i just kinda started using this online dating thing, i feel like a fool for even going that route, but we will see what happens. I will leave this last statement/comment i went out three different night, one just wearing jeans and tshirt and no one talked to me or would give me the time of day. The next day same scene and cloths and i put a hat on, people would actually talk for a few seconds and sometimes smile at me. The third night i go out same scene, same cloths but this time i wore a hat and glasses.....I managed to actually grab a few numbers...wierd huh??!!!!!! In the end I call a day or two later and they dont answer or return calls back...WIERD

Hold me

It was late when I came back home, she was standing at the sink washing dishes, I know she had been in the hospital, she seemed so fragile in her scrubs an little pink and yellow pastel beanie. I cracked a joke and told her that she forgot to ask my permission before she had went to the hospital. Her eyes began to swell up and rain began to fall.

At this point my heart melted, I drew her closer and wrapped her in my arms. I don't remember how long we stood in the kitchen, I am not even sure If i began to cry, but I felt like did. I realized how fragile life was again, I realized my friend will one day not be here, so young, so innocent, why do I my friends keeping passing away.

The other day my ex contacted me also with bad news, and she said something that helped, its not about me, but God has been bringing people in my life for a reason and I am just going to have to trust him! This past week has been very hard, i keep wanting to break down in class, driving, with friends, its crazy.

If there was one song that describes how I feel and am it would be: Rich Mullins - Hold me jesus

Learning Compassion a little everyday!

I feel lost at times, but I have found a medium in my life. I am no longer angry, I am relearning to that man that once was filled with so much love, love for people, love for life, the man that would puzzle those I came in contact with..they never understood why I was so cherry, so optimistic. All the pain and hurt I have seen in this world began to make me hard and cold. Everyday my heart grows softer. At times my words don't come out right, but I am working on it. I am finding hope a little more everyday, I am learning to trust a little more everyday, I am learning to be me a little more everyday! 

Connecting

I have learned that you have to let go of pain, before it turns into fear.

Everyday I struggle to see the positive in people and the true meaning of being connected.

There are days when the shadows overwhelm me, then there are days when l see the light

in a strangers smile.

At times i feel like i am outside looking in, is it that I see the world differently then those

I pass on the street everyday?

Stepping away

Lately, I have seen myself withdrawing from people, to be more specific women. I had just somewhat just started seeing this very attractive gal and I was starting to really like her, I sent her a text the other day and nothing and I even sent her a text saying Happy Thanksgiving today and yet nothing, usually I would become a little annoyed that out of the blue I am being ignored, but to be honest I really just dont care anymore. If there is one thing I have learned about gals here in the northwest is you cant count on them and not to expect any kind of attachment unless it only benefiets them. One might say, hell it must bother you cause you are writting about it, I guess on some mental level it bothers me because I really value friendship and having a good social circle. I feel like running right now just to feel something, I am starting to understand myself even more since I have come up to seattle, I seek out danger and thrill, just for that high and intensity. I am noticing now sometime I miss being in the marines and having that brotherhood and that pure energy. I am staying for the next quarter of school and then I think i might head back to florida, I need to be around people who like to be social and not so passive and cliqy.

The need to feel wanted

Today, ....today my eye's watered for the first time in so long. I am ready to settle down, I look at people and couples and see how blind they are to what they have. I was once one of those people, and how naive i was, now my heart is broken. I hear people talk about how they wish they had someone, but most of them are so blind they can not even see whats staring them in the face. .............................................................I am wondering if it is time for me to head back home, or do I stick it out here in seattle a little longer, I just want to be surrounded by people who are loving, people who care, people who are not restricted to thier own cliq of friends, people who you can meet for the first time and it turns into a friendship that last, I have much to think about in the coming months, .....

Single and wondering or have i grown cold

I think seattle has made a little cold to relationships wether it is friends or significant others. I am almost completly turned off by the women I am meeting around here. So here is what i want for christmas..I gal who is a snow bunny or runner..oh and she cant be stuck up.....lol P.s. I am having a blast heading to the sports bars catching football on sundays..GO LIONS!!!!! Gonna spank the seahawks this sunday!!!!!

Karma and what If's

The young lady who was my supposed friend, who screwed me over when I had moved out of my place and then told me an hour before coming over that she let her sisters best friends cousin move in after know I had vacated my place and had no other place to go had a slight tragedy last week. Karma can be very crappy at times, I feel bad for her but most of all to the family who lost a son. Usually I was the designated driver when we all went out and at 230am on the sixth of september they were going back to thier place when there little party van broke down, so the guy got out the car to try and fix the car when a driver struck him on I-5, i had met this guy before and he was cool and i know she had a thing for him, she had to hold him in her arms as he died bleeding to death. I often wonder had she not screwed me over, had it altered just 5 seconds from every event within the next few days had they not been at the wrong spot at the wrong time would he be alive still? What if I was that one who got out the car to see what was wrong with the car, would i still be alive? I guess everything happens for a reason and that being screwed over, might have just been God saying I am protecting you! My heart still goes out to him and his family and even though she screwed me over I still feel bad for her and hope that these events end up changing how she treats people and make he stronger!

A swinger of Birches

We all have moments in our lives when something brings our lives to a halt. Wether it be a death or even a relationship. We start to slowly slip into a hole and it affects everything we do and everything we touch. The hardest part is telling ourselves that it is ok to start living again. Next month will be the one year mark of when I decided crawl out of a darkness i fell into. It has not been easy but I have made it. I overcame many trials and many setbacks. I start school again at the end of this month. And in about less than two years if all goes well i will finish one part of it and I will pick up and leave to a new city and find another adventure, another life, another home. I dont know if i will ever just stay in one place, maybe I will find that special someone that I have longed for, maybe I wont, but in the end I can say I lived a life that many will never know, many will never understand. Here is a poem that I have always held close to my heart and how I tend to see life.

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree~
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

By Rebort Frost

Cherishing and what matters!

Without reason, without rhyme the inner me is slightly changing. I am learning that alot of people in washington, or shall i say alot of people i run into don't really cherish a true friendship. I guess down south our priorities are not about self gain, but about networking with friends and family. I see so many unhappy older folks here and it makes me sad. Everyone has their own little social circles and many are afraid to step out of thier circle or let others in. This week I was suppose to move in with a friend and i had everything packed up and ready to move in after work, but just before i got off she called and said that her sisters best friends cousin needed a place and that i could not move in, i had already given my vacate notice and moved my stuff out and had no place to live anymore, and now she wont even talk to me. I have never been so screwed over until i moved here. I cant wait till i finish up my schooling then leave back to a land where people are real, people cherish friendships and most of all people are not afraid to speak up. Dont get me wrong, i love the beauty up here, but i guess you cant have everything in just one place. But there is one person i must say puts a smile on face everyday, well almost everyday..she is a Nadal obessed women..:D

Movies, scars, and the RUSH

This week i got alot of movie time, I must say that "The time travelers wife" is a awesome movie, you can feel everything the cast feels in the movie!! I also watched a christian relationship movie called "Fire Proof", kinda hit home a little bit, i wish i knew of the movie back then when things could have made a difference. There is a seen that show much truth, this guy glues the salt shaker and pepper shaker together, both are different, but yet you always seem them together. The other guy was about to take them apart, but before he did the guy warned him that if you try and seperate them you will break one of them or break both of them. Someone close to me the other day said they I have been broken and scar'd, I wish I could turn the clock back and and remove the scars.

I climbed up McClellan Butte yesterday and it was an amazing view and adventure. The last hundred and fifty feet up was a little scary, i wont lie, but after a bit, i was like hey i dont want to come all this way up not to ever see the top, the rush was amazing and in the end i was like hey if i drop, at least i know i lived a great life and went doing something i love doing!! I guess thats the way i look at life, why go all the way and stop short of the sweetness! :)

On other news, i am contemplating if i should do the seattle marathon, plagued by injuries all year, but still going strong, i am on 3 soccer teams during the week, with a possible 4th team. I am dying for the snow season to come back so i can get some series snowboard time in. OH OH OH My nfl team DETRIOT LIONS won thier first preseason game...watch out seattle, the Lions come to town in novemeber and we will pounce all over the seahawks!!

If anyone is interested in joining a hike, just let me know.

DragonBoat Racing and pathetic men

I am excited to start my new adventure I am doing something called the Dragon Boat race here in seattle, practice starts this friday and the race is next month. http://www.seattledragonboat.com/ I am back to running again and working out, injuries just keep piling up..ok so i am lying, i have just been lazy this month. :)

On other news I have been in lots of debate as to wether I will stay in seattle or leave, I love what this place offers, but I am tired of fake people. I live in a frat house pretty much, Co-ed and i love it, except the other guy named steve in the house, he has pretty much been acting like i am a threat and he is trying to practically screw every gal in the house, the funny thing is that i am smart enought to not screw my roommates, yeah some are hot, but once i cross that line i can never bring a date in the house. So there was one night where steve, hillary and i were on the couch relaxing and he was trying to get all over her and leaned over and said out loud to me hey "what was that girl you spent the night with last night" at this point I made him look stupied. This little ankle biter kept taking little cheap shots at me so one night I came home after a few drinks, and called him out when he was cuddling with a different gal of the house, he got pissed and got up and wanted to fight me, I made him lose his temper in front of the all the gals of the house, it was priceless. After I stood up and said I dont think you want to fight me, thats not a smart move, since then he has been on edge around me......lol Now I can be sitting on the couch with one of the gals of the house and he trys to squeeze between me and the other person and cuddle with whoever is next to me, very insecure in my opinion but oh well, i am use to men being intimidated by me. In my personal opinion seattle men are pathetic.

This how I feel about deaths and stars!!

The is how I personally feel about the whole micheal jackson death and all not saying he was a bad man but that america has its priorities all wrong!!

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A SOLDIER IN IRAQ.

Okay, I need to rant.

I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael
Jackson . As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an
entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent
millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villian to many
people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people, and
I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point
of my rant.

Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their
minds with grief. When a man dies whose only contribution to the
country was to ENTERTAIN people, the Amercian people find the need to
flock to a memorial in Hollywood , and even Congress sees the need to
hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?

Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a
freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What
about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those
Soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war,
still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the
United States of America . Where is there moment of silence? Where
are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over
them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a
Soldier dies, there are more people saying "good ridence," and "thank
God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the
sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off
thier deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop
Icon?"

I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS
for Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every
service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan . They need to PUBLICLY
recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people
can live their callous little lives in the luxory and freedom that WE,
those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for
them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have
been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will never
make millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hit
songs that the world will listen too. We only shed our blood, sweat
and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.

Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Feel free to pass
this along if you want.

Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is
serving in the military;
"So that others may live..."


--
Isaac

Only two people have ever effectively given their lives for you.

Jesus Christ and The American G.I.

One died for your sins, the other died to give you freedom.

Random writings in choas times

Seattle, what do you say, everything I thought and dreamt it would be is not. I have come to realize that you always have an idea of what a place will be like. I cant say my experiences have been bad or good, just a little odd. I moved here and live in tukwila for a few weeks and that was ghetto, then i moved into madrona and loved it but way to family oriented which would be great if i had kids and was married, and currently I am living on Greek Row in a co-ed frat type house, I find it very intersting living with younger students, 3 guys including me and 6 gals, one guy is mellow, and the other is intimidated by me, anytime a gal from the house comes to sit next to me and talk, he runs over and trys to put his arms around her and pretends its just a friend thing, so one night I am emabarrassed him in front of the all tha gals of the house and he decided he would threaten me, lol well he learned real quick i am much stronger and alot more aggressive than he is. he has been treading careful around me lately.

So a friend of mine from work went to beerfest...all i am going to say is that my new drunk name is brandon...walking into parties and houses of people you dont know are awesome, but this is a once in a awhile time of thing for me.

I have more to write about but I will leave with this one qoute: Seattle people like to think they are nice, but in reality they are not. But I do have some great friends up here!!

The sun

The past few months have been very interesting, between dating and working....and seeing people come out of thier houses and being active, its very wierd. I adore the woman i am dating but we are so different which is good in some ways and bad in others. I guess the biggest thing is that we have our own opinions on God, I believe and she doesnt. That makes it really hard, but I am working on it. On other news i am moving out of Madrona and into the wallingford area next month. I cant wait. I am back to slowly running, twisted ankle from soccer took awhile to heal and i am still having to stretch my groin and work it out constantly. I look forward to making a post at the end of summer about how i feel about seattle as a whole. I do miss florida but I know dont want to go back to jacksonville, if i went back it would be more like miami. I am finishing up my rn license here and then i will travel. So how has everyone been?

Cloud 9

So as you call can tell, I have been kinda busy, but I will be returning to my writings very soon, my picture here explains where I have been and that I have been kidknapped by a woman, a very special woman who sees me for me..:D There is nothing cuter than when she wakes up before me just to make me coffee for work and kisses me out the door..:)