Sigh

Today is a wierd day.....I have to say that writting in a blog has been the best outlit for me since I have came to  seattle. Some people critize me for what i write about and how i can be negative at times, but hey this a blog and it is to vent what ever comes to mind. The funny thing is, you meet me in person and you read this blog and say is this the same person. It is wierd only having a handful of friends here, where back in florida or cali in one year i made tons of friends and networks.  It makes me sad that people are so antisocial and cliq'ish up here. The date scene up here is not any better, women complaining they cant find a good man, men complaining that women  are gold diggers, etc. Its madness i tell you. One thing that really gets me is that here in the northwest it is like a crime to have a friend of the opposite sex, where florida its the most common thing. Anyways, i just kinda started using this online dating thing, i feel like a fool for even going that route, but we will see what happens. I will leave this last statement/comment i went out three different night, one just wearing jeans and tshirt and no one talked to me or would give me the time of day. The next day same scene and cloths and i put a hat on, people would actually talk for a few seconds and sometimes smile at me. The third night i go out same scene, same cloths but this time i wore a hat and glasses.....I managed to actually grab a few numbers...wierd huh??!!!!!! In the end I call a day or two later and they dont answer or return calls back...WIERD

Hold me

It was late when I came back home, she was standing at the sink washing dishes, I know she had been in the hospital, she seemed so fragile in her scrubs an little pink and yellow pastel beanie. I cracked a joke and told her that she forgot to ask my permission before she had went to the hospital. Her eyes began to swell up and rain began to fall.

At this point my heart melted, I drew her closer and wrapped her in my arms. I don't remember how long we stood in the kitchen, I am not even sure If i began to cry, but I felt like did. I realized how fragile life was again, I realized my friend will one day not be here, so young, so innocent, why do I my friends keeping passing away.

The other day my ex contacted me also with bad news, and she said something that helped, its not about me, but God has been bringing people in my life for a reason and I am just going to have to trust him! This past week has been very hard, i keep wanting to break down in class, driving, with friends, its crazy.

If there was one song that describes how I feel and am it would be: Rich Mullins - Hold me jesus

Learning Compassion a little everyday!

I feel lost at times, but I have found a medium in my life. I am no longer angry, I am relearning to that man that once was filled with so much love, love for people, love for life, the man that would puzzle those I came in contact with..they never understood why I was so cherry, so optimistic. All the pain and hurt I have seen in this world began to make me hard and cold. Everyday my heart grows softer. At times my words don't come out right, but I am working on it. I am finding hope a little more everyday, I am learning to trust a little more everyday, I am learning to be me a little more everyday! 

Connecting

I have learned that you have to let go of pain, before it turns into fear.

Everyday I struggle to see the positive in people and the true meaning of being connected.

There are days when the shadows overwhelm me, then there are days when l see the light

in a strangers smile.

At times i feel like i am outside looking in, is it that I see the world differently then those

I pass on the street everyday?

Stepping away

Lately, I have seen myself withdrawing from people, to be more specific women. I had just somewhat just started seeing this very attractive gal and I was starting to really like her, I sent her a text the other day and nothing and I even sent her a text saying Happy Thanksgiving today and yet nothing, usually I would become a little annoyed that out of the blue I am being ignored, but to be honest I really just dont care anymore. If there is one thing I have learned about gals here in the northwest is you cant count on them and not to expect any kind of attachment unless it only benefiets them. One might say, hell it must bother you cause you are writting about it, I guess on some mental level it bothers me because I really value friendship and having a good social circle. I feel like running right now just to feel something, I am starting to understand myself even more since I have come up to seattle, I seek out danger and thrill, just for that high and intensity. I am noticing now sometime I miss being in the marines and having that brotherhood and that pure energy. I am staying for the next quarter of school and then I think i might head back to florida, I need to be around people who like to be social and not so passive and cliqy.

The need to feel wanted

Today, ....today my eye's watered for the first time in so long. I am ready to settle down, I look at people and couples and see how blind they are to what they have. I was once one of those people, and how naive i was, now my heart is broken. I hear people talk about how they wish they had someone, but most of them are so blind they can not even see whats staring them in the face. .............................................................I am wondering if it is time for me to head back home, or do I stick it out here in seattle a little longer, I just want to be surrounded by people who are loving, people who care, people who are not restricted to thier own cliq of friends, people who you can meet for the first time and it turns into a friendship that last, I have much to think about in the coming months, .....

Single and wondering or have i grown cold

I think seattle has made a little cold to relationships wether it is friends or significant others. I am almost completly turned off by the women I am meeting around here. So here is what i want for christmas..I gal who is a snow bunny or runner..oh and she cant be stuck up.....lol P.s. I am having a blast heading to the sports bars catching football on sundays..GO LIONS!!!!! Gonna spank the seahawks this sunday!!!!!