Learning Compassion a little everyday!

I feel lost at times, but I have found a medium in my life. I am no longer angry, I am relearning to that man that once was filled with so much love, love for people, love for life, the man that would puzzle those I came in contact with..they never understood why I was so cherry, so optimistic. All the pain and hurt I have seen in this world began to make me hard and cold. Everyday my heart grows softer. At times my words don't come out right, but I am working on it. I am finding hope a little more everyday, I am learning to trust a little more everyday, I am learning to be me a little more everyday! 

Connecting

I have learned that you have to let go of pain, before it turns into fear.

Everyday I struggle to see the positive in people and the true meaning of being connected.

There are days when the shadows overwhelm me, then there are days when l see the light

in a strangers smile.

At times i feel like i am outside looking in, is it that I see the world differently then those

I pass on the street everyday?

Stepping away

Lately, I have seen myself withdrawing from people, to be more specific women. I had just somewhat just started seeing this very attractive gal and I was starting to really like her, I sent her a text the other day and nothing and I even sent her a text saying Happy Thanksgiving today and yet nothing, usually I would become a little annoyed that out of the blue I am being ignored, but to be honest I really just dont care anymore. If there is one thing I have learned about gals here in the northwest is you cant count on them and not to expect any kind of attachment unless it only benefiets them. One might say, hell it must bother you cause you are writting about it, I guess on some mental level it bothers me because I really value friendship and having a good social circle. I feel like running right now just to feel something, I am starting to understand myself even more since I have come up to seattle, I seek out danger and thrill, just for that high and intensity. I am noticing now sometime I miss being in the marines and having that brotherhood and that pure energy. I am staying for the next quarter of school and then I think i might head back to florida, I need to be around people who like to be social and not so passive and cliqy.

The need to feel wanted

Today, ....today my eye's watered for the first time in so long. I am ready to settle down, I look at people and couples and see how blind they are to what they have. I was once one of those people, and how naive i was, now my heart is broken. I hear people talk about how they wish they had someone, but most of them are so blind they can not even see whats staring them in the face. .............................................................I am wondering if it is time for me to head back home, or do I stick it out here in seattle a little longer, I just want to be surrounded by people who are loving, people who care, people who are not restricted to thier own cliq of friends, people who you can meet for the first time and it turns into a friendship that last, I have much to think about in the coming months, .....

Single and wondering or have i grown cold

I think seattle has made a little cold to relationships wether it is friends or significant others. I am almost completly turned off by the women I am meeting around here. So here is what i want for christmas..I gal who is a snow bunny or runner..oh and she cant be stuck up.....lol P.s. I am having a blast heading to the sports bars catching football on sundays..GO LIONS!!!!! Gonna spank the seahawks this sunday!!!!!

Karma and what If's

The young lady who was my supposed friend, who screwed me over when I had moved out of my place and then told me an hour before coming over that she let her sisters best friends cousin move in after know I had vacated my place and had no other place to go had a slight tragedy last week. Karma can be very crappy at times, I feel bad for her but most of all to the family who lost a son. Usually I was the designated driver when we all went out and at 230am on the sixth of september they were going back to thier place when there little party van broke down, so the guy got out the car to try and fix the car when a driver struck him on I-5, i had met this guy before and he was cool and i know she had a thing for him, she had to hold him in her arms as he died bleeding to death. I often wonder had she not screwed me over, had it altered just 5 seconds from every event within the next few days had they not been at the wrong spot at the wrong time would he be alive still? What if I was that one who got out the car to see what was wrong with the car, would i still be alive? I guess everything happens for a reason and that being screwed over, might have just been God saying I am protecting you! My heart still goes out to him and his family and even though she screwed me over I still feel bad for her and hope that these events end up changing how she treats people and make he stronger!

A swinger of Birches

We all have moments in our lives when something brings our lives to a halt. Wether it be a death or even a relationship. We start to slowly slip into a hole and it affects everything we do and everything we touch. The hardest part is telling ourselves that it is ok to start living again. Next month will be the one year mark of when I decided crawl out of a darkness i fell into. It has not been easy but I have made it. I overcame many trials and many setbacks. I start school again at the end of this month. And in about less than two years if all goes well i will finish one part of it and I will pick up and leave to a new city and find another adventure, another life, another home. I dont know if i will ever just stay in one place, maybe I will find that special someone that I have longed for, maybe I wont, but in the end I can say I lived a life that many will never know, many will never understand. Here is a poem that I have always held close to my heart and how I tend to see life.

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree~
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

By Rebort Frost